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i felt depressed... funnie tt i shud be saying tt rite nw when i shud be happier as compared to the future me .. i felt tired.. of my job... i felt tired of my future... i felt unsure... i dono man.. when i caught a glimps of it i'm scare yet when i chose nt to c it i felt stress i lead my whole live in a contradictory world.. i am always contradicting wif myself regardless whether it is simple matter such as deciding where to go or wad to eat to imp matters such as continuing my education n stuff.. if dere is realie one thing abt my character tt i wud change.. i realie wish tt i am nv a fickleminded person.. i wud chose to be some one who noes exactly wad i want.. yet tis wud nv be.. cos i am me... i hate myself.. yet i love myself.. c tis is wad i mean contracidiction..... i wanna luff yet i wanna cry i felt troubled yet i felt contented.. suddenly i tot of my sis.. who loves to whine.. n nv afriad to whine... but me.. i chose nt to whine cos wads e point when after whining ur life goes on as usual.. nth changes... i am always saying "i wish i wish i wish" yet life is nv kind enuff to grant us a wish let alone a few wishes.. i felt tired.. i felt aged.. like i ald lead my whole life.. like i am ald reaching death.. yet i am young.. but nv in heart.. suddenly i tot of a phrase bilbo in LOTR said " like butter spread too thin on a bread" yeah tt is wad i feel rite nw... i feel like e air is too thin...i felt empty when it reach my lungs..there is so many things n issues n emotions tt i felt unsured of.. i feel suffocated... i felt exhausted... like when u r sinking yet there is no one to pull u outta water.. i realie dono hw to put my emotions to wrds.. tired is a realie general n superficial wrd tt i cud nt realie use nw.. perhaps its e circular cycle tt tends to keep repeating.. tears welled up in my heart.. yet it gt stuck.. n i hafta swallow it back dw again.. cos when u grw up u cant cry u cant display ur emotions like u did when u r a kid.. i miss being an ignorant kid .. who gets scolded when u make mistakes.. yet i get to learn .. not like nw when u make mistakes no one gives u a second chance to try again.. i wanna scream out a loud at tis moment yet again i hafta swallow it dw.. i miss being myself.. i miss ME .. i miss being allowed to be me.. i miss everything i wud nt miss when i was younger.. i miss my pri sch daes when all i do is luff luff luff luff... bt wad abt nw.. i felt empty.. like a bottle which is oni 1/4 filled... n i cud nt fnd any liq to enter.. my life is like so colourless .. even e color blind wud noe tt its colourless... i dont noe hw to put down n let go of my past.. though i badly wanna forget but i cant all i do is to reprimand myself... for beign ignorant.. suddenly i tot of all e advise n scldings i gt when i was a kid.. by my parents of cos.. n its like so true.. they noe.. they knew tt i'd walk thru tis path.. n dey tired to stop me but i was too stubbon.. i was too rebellious to even take in or hear wad dey sae.. though i still hate dem at times bt.. i realised tt they were rite.. but the way they sae n taught me was wrg.. so who am i to blame.. me or dem? i dono perhaps both? Regrets.. is often a thing we experience.. yet we cant do anything abt it.. n some regrets wud oways be there.. even carried to our graves..in e few previous post i mentioned tt i love life rite nw .. i still love my life nw .. jus tt i am afraid of my future.. i felt daunted even b4 i know was exactly my path wud be.. i felt so sick of e darkness tt i had experience n i am not ready to walk thru tt path again.. n its something no one can ever prepare me for...i felt like a coward.. haha.. perhaps i realie am one.. but most of it is probably caused by not oni fear.. but exhaustion..i felt restrained.. i dono y i sae tt bt ya.. tt is wad i feel..loss for wrds to express myself i guess i shud end here..

" There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And its sad when u know its ur heart u cant trust
There's a reason why pple don stay where they are
Baby sometimes love jus ain't enough.."